Ch. 5 "What in the world, in all this world, is grace?

One  act of thanksgiving,

when things go wrong with us,

is worth a thousand thanks when things

are agreeable to our inclinations

St. John of Avila

This quote pretty well sums up this chapter.  In Ann's words, this quote sums up the hard eucharisteo.  In this chapter, Ann reveals the difficulty of giving thanks when the circumstances don't add up to a feeling of thanks.  She relays a time one of her children is hurt and how she walks through that.

"...Satan prowls but he's a lion on a leash 

and the God who governs all can be shouted at when I bruise, 

and I can cry and I can howl and 

He embraces the David- Hearts who pound hard on His heart with their grief 

and I can moan deep that He did this-

and He did."

I have such difficulty in what/how I should be thankful  in those dark times of pain, heartache, dreams dashing, and the day-to-day monotony.

".. new life comes out of the dark places."

Spring from Winter, baby from dark womb, seed to plant/flower, tomb to rising; all examples of this.

"Grace that chooses to bear the cross of suffering overcomes that suffering."

Oh to learn this lesson now, oh to radiate grace rather than rage and victim.   

I come from a long line of "victims" and pessimism.  I've had few examples of grace and true God-birthed joy.  Oh Lord, break the chains, may my children see this in me and choose a different way.  The hard eucharisteo.

"The hard discipline to lean into the ugly  and

whisper thanks to transfigure it into beauty.

The hard discipline to give thanks for all things

at all times.

The hard discipline to number the griefs as grace because...

God chooses to cut into my ungrateful heart 

to make it whole."

Make me whole!

Uninvolved Parents/Grandparents

Does anybody out there have them? 
I do! 
I can't tell you how it breaks my heart.
   I know this is probably not the best place to air this and yet I'm not sure if many read this blog anyway and I need to vent!  I can't tell you how many times I've invited them to birthdays for my kids or other events I've done here and they haven't come for purely selfish reasons.  I can count on one hand the times they've watched my kids for me.  When I've given birth or have had an emergency,  I've always had to find someone (other than family) to watch my kids and not once did they come to the hospital to welcome their new grandchild.   
  I don't know why I expect anything from them.  They were never really intentional with my brother, sister, and I. We were always pretty aware that many times we were a burden to my father and so he would go to the bars on the weekend.  My mom is a very simple person and she loved us as best she could but she also gave off the impression that since we couldn't do things the way she wanted she would just do it herself and we often felt the effects of her exhaustion at "doing it all".
  I read recently that expectations kill relationships and therein lies the problem.  I try not to have them and yet every time I ask for a little help or there is some function I'd like them to be a part of and they don't, I get so upset!  God has been faithful and provided for us many times through the body but there are times when I would like them to be there. As much as I know I'm to forgive them, obviously I have held on to these things.
  In their defense, they are raising my sister's 4 kids (8-15y.o.).  They are having major struggles with the 2 older ones and I'm sure they are at the end of themselves most of the time. I truly don't want to add any more stress to them and yet I so wish they were intentional with my kids.  I wish I was worth it to them.
  One thing I can say for sure, I'm definitely learning firsthand how I DON"T want to be when I'm a grandparent.  If you can't relate, please know how blessed you are.  Make sure you let them know how much you appreciate all they do and make sure your kids bless them too. 

Ash Wednesday

Today I burn these sins that come so easily for me.  

As a symbolic gesture, I relinquish their control over me and actually relinquish me. 

I acknowledge my humanness, that I am incapable of being perfect and clean enough for Him.  

I recognize with humility that He died for me "while I was yet sinning".  

I grapple with that selfless, no expectations love that He has for me.  

Finally, I pray that this Lenten season I

"will grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know [intimately] [believe] this love that surpasses knowledge..."  Eph. 3:18+19

Multitudes on Monday!

31. bare silhouette of trees in early morn

32. angelic faces in sleep

36. the hope that springs from a transparent life (Thanks Ann)

39. leftovers

44. powdered-sugar snow

43. Mr.

52. full cupboards

53. last star holding onto bright

65. spring blossoms dressed in white and barely pink

67. pregnant bellies

Ch. 4 A Sanctuary of Time

I just don't have enough time!

  Have you ever uttered those words?  I know I have.  I've been angry, frustrated, resentful at everyone else around me who seem to have no problem having time to do what they want!  I see the Duplos scattered across the living room floor, the freshly laundered clothes shoved under beds, the messy stove and piled dishes left for who...?

  Everyone else seems to have their time, but I play catch up.

  Ann addresses this very issue in this chapter.  She begins with, 

"#362. Suds...all color in the sun"

  She reminds me that shouldn't I have all the time everlasting.  I'm a believer with all of eternity to live.

Yet I'm addicted to speed as much as a race car driver.  From the moment I awake I am trying to "live" faster than time.  In the process, (as speed tends to do) I run over the small, I react and often leave devastation in my wake.  I don't have time to just respond or to think.

"The hurry makes us [me] hurt."

"Hurry always empties the soul."

"I just want time to do my one life well."

  What is the key to slowing down?  Ann's answer to that is what this book is all about.  When we choose to live in the moment (thanking God for all the minute details) we live present pregnant.

  She points out that God is present [I AM] and that is the only "where" we can meet Him.

"Thanksgiving makes time."

"Life is NOT an emergency.  Life is eucharisteo"

I too want to live my one life well and present pregnant.  I will make the choice!

Multitudes on Monday!

...4. Help in the kitchen

5. Baby Fabrics

6. winter's gray light

...14.  cozy warmth of awakened babes

...16. pure, pristine beauty of winter white world

...18. teenage giggles

19. old friend making effort

20+21. loss of first tooth

            gappy, grin girl

...28. brothers playing make-believe

...30 sewing projects accomplished

Chapter 3 "First Flight"

Ann opens this chapter with a dialogue with a friend as she slices cucumbers.  Her friend notices, "You've changed". 
  Boy, I would LOVE to hear those words, especially from the ones who are closest to me.  I want to change, grow, be more loving, more at peace, more....happy/joyful.
She credits this "change" to "the list" but even more than that, to the daily discipline she is developing by "hunting" for thankfulness.
She reminds me that it is learned and learning doesn't come easy or quickly.  I should know.  As I home school my brood, I'm constantly reminded that some concepts need to continuously be practiced, drilled, monotonous, begrudging.  And then it happens, the concept, the skill, the technique becomes second nature.

   I want thankfulness to be second first nature.

It's more than just being thankful, it is naming the gifts.  By naming, it's like we are receiving them personally from our good God.  It is in the specific rather than the general.

"Slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life 

leaves me deeply thankful 

for very few things in life.

...life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life

unless nailed through 

with one very specific nail at a time."